Belijdenissen - Augustinus (boek II)
The Confessions of Saint Augustine - Book II
Chapter I
I will now call to mind my past foulness, and the carnal corruptions of my
soul; not because I love them, but that I may love Thee, O my God. For love
of Thy love I do it; reviewing my most wicked ways in the very bitterness of
my remembrance, that Thou mayest grow sweet unto me (Thou sweetness never
failing, Thou blissful and assured sweetness); and gathering me again out of
that my dissipation, wherein I was torn piecemeal, while turned from Thee,
the One Good, I lost myself among a multiplicity of things. For I even burnt
in my youth heretofore, to be satiated in things below; and I dared to grow
wild again, with these various and shadowy loves: my beauty consumed away,
and I stank in Thine eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the
eyes of men.
Chapter II
And what was it that I delighted in, but to love, and be loved? but I kept
not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright boundary: but
out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh, and the bubblings of youth,
mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my heart, that I could not
discern the clear brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness. Both did
confusedly boil in me, and hurried my unstayed youth over the precipice of
unholy desires, and sunk me in a gulf of flagitiousnesses. Thy wrath had
gathered over me, and I knew it not. I was grown deaf by the clanking of the
chain of my mortality, the punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed
further from Thee, and Thou lettest me alone, and I was tossed about, and
wasted, and dissipated, and I boiled over in my fornications, and Thou
heldest Thy peace, O Thou my tardy joy! Thou then heldest Thy peace, and I
wandered further and further from Thee, into more and more fruitless
seed-plots of sorrows, with a proud dejectedness, and a restless weariness.
Oh! that some one had then attempered my disorder, and turned to account the
fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of Thy creation! had put a
bound to their pleasureableness, that so the tides of my youth might have
cast themselves upon the marriage shore, if they could not be calmed, and
kept within the object of a family, as Thy law prescribes, O Lord: who this
way formest the offspring of this our death, being able with a gentle hand
to blunt the thorns which were excluded from Thy paradise? For Thy
omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far from Thee. Else ought I
more watchfully to have heeded the voice from the clouds: Nevertheless such
shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you. And it is good for a man
not to touch a woman. And, he that is unmarried thinketh of the things of
the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but he that is married careth for the
things of this world, how he may please his wife.
To these words I should have listened more attentively, and being severed
for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited Thy embraces; but
I, poor wretch, foamed like a troubled sea, following the rushing of my own
tide, forsaking Thee, and exceeded all Thy limits; yet I escaped not Thy
scourges. For what mortal can? For Thou wert ever with me mercifully
rigorous, and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my unlawful pleasures:
that I might seek pleasures without alloy. But where to find such, I could
not discover, save in Thee, O Lord, who teachest by sorrow, and woundest us,
to heal; and killest us, lest we die from Thee. Where was I, and how far was
I exiled from the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age
of my flesh, when the madness of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth
free licence, though unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I
resigned myself wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage
to save my fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak
excellently, and be a persuasive orator.
Chapter III
For that year were my studies intermitted: whilst after my return from
Madaura (a neighbour city, whither I had journeyed to learn grammar and
rhetoric), the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being
provided for me; and that rather by the resolution than the means of my
father, who was but a poor freeman of Thagaste. To whom tell I this? not to
Thee, my God; but before Thee to mine own kind, even to that small portion
of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine. And to what purpose?
that whosoever reads this, may think out of what depths we are to cry unto
Thee. For what is nearer to Thine ears than a confessing heart, and a life
of faith? Who did not extol my father, for that beyond the ability of his
means, he would furnish his son with all necessaries for a far journey for
his studies’ sake? For many far abler citizens did no such thing for their
children. But yet this same father had no concern how I grew towards Thee,
or how chaste I were; so that I were but copious in speech, however barren I
were to Thy culture, O God, who art the only true and good Lord of Thy
field, my heart.
But while in that my sixteenth year I lived with my parents, leaving all
school for a while (a season of idleness being interposed through the
narrowness of my parents’ fortunes), the briers of unclean desires grew rank
over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my father
saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood, and endued with a restless
youthfulness, he, as already hence anticipating his descendants, gladly told
it to my mother; rejoicing in that tumult of the senses wherein the world
forgetteth Thee its Creator, and becometh enamoured of Thy creature, instead
of Thyself, through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will,
turning aside and bowing down to the very basest things. But in my mother's
breast Thou hadst already begun Thy temple, and the foundation of Thy holy
habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a Catechumen, and that but
recently. She then was startled with a holy fear and trembling; and though I
was not as yet baptised, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk
who turn their back to Thee, and not their face.
Woe is me! and dare I say that Thou heldest Thy peace, O my God, while I
wandered further from Thee? Didst Thou then indeed hold Thy peace to me? And
whose but Thine were these words which by my mother, Thy faithful one, Thou
sangest in my ears? Nothing whereof sunk into my heart, so as to do it. For
she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety warned me, “not to
commit fornication; but especially never to defile another man's wife.”
These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should blush to obey. But they
were Thine, and I knew it not: and I thought Thou wert silent and that it
was she who spake; by whom Thou wert not silent unto me; and in her wast
despised by me, her son, the son of Thy handmaid, Thy servant. But I knew it
not; and ran headlong with such blindness, that amongst my equals I was
ashamed of a less shamelessness, when I heard them boast of their
flagitiousness, yea, and the more boasting, the more they were degraded: and
I took pleasure, not only in the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise.
What is worthy of dispraise but vice? But I made myself worse than I was,
that I might not be dispraised; and when in any thing I had not sinned as
the abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I
might not seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent; or of less
account, the more chaste.
Behold with what companions I walked the streets of Babylon, and wallowed in
the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments. And that
I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the invisible enemy trod me
down, and seduced me, for that I was easy to be seduced. Neither did the
mother of my flesh (who had now fled out of the centre of Babylon, yet went
more slowly in the skirts thereof as she advised me to chastity, so heed
what she had heard of me from her husband, as to restrain within the bounds
of conjugal affection (if it could not be pared away to the quick) what she
felt to be pestilent at present and for the future dangerous. She heeded not
this, for she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my
hopes. Not those hopes of the world to come, which my mother reposed in
Thee; but the hope of learning, which both my parents were too desirous I
should attain; my father, because he had next to no thought of Thee, and of
me but vain conceits; my mother, because she accounted that those usual
courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some
furtherance towards attaining Thee. For thus I conjecture, recalling, as
well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reins, meantime, were
slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in
sport, yea, even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all was
a mist, intercepting from me, O my God, the brightness of Thy truth; and
mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness.
Chapter IV
Theft is punished by Thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts of
men, which iniquity itself effaces not. For what thief will abide a thief?
not even a rich thief, one stealing through want. Yet I lusted to thieve,
and did it, compelled by no hunger, nor poverty, but through a cloyedness of
well-doing, and a pamperedness of iniquity. For I stole that, of which I had
enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what I stole, but joyed in the
theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was near our vineyard, laden with
fruit, tempting neither for colour nor taste. To shake and rob this, some
lewd young fellows of us went, late one night (having according to our
pestilent custom prolonged our sports in the streets till then), and took
huge loads, not for our eating, but to fling to the very hogs, having only
tasted them. And this, but to do what we liked only, because it was
misliked. Behold my heart, O God, behold my heart, which Thou hadst pity
upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell
Thee what it sought there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no
temptation to ill, but the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved
to perish, I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my
fault itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction;
not seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!
Chapter V
For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, and
all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and each
other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Wordly honour hath
also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery; whence springs
also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these, we may not depart
from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life also which here we
live hath its own enchantment, through a certain proportion of its own, and
a correspondence with all things beautiful here below. Human friendship also
is endeared with a sweet tie, by reason of the unity formed of many souls.
Upon occasion of all these, and the like, is sin committed, while through an
immoderate inclination towards these goods of the lowest order, the better
and higher are forsaken,—Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For
these lower things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all
things; for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the
upright in heart.
When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it appear
that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those which we
called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are beautiful and
comely; although compared with those higher and beatific goods, they be
abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he loved his wife or his
estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or feared to lose some such
things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be revenged. Would any commit
murder upon no cause, delighted simply in murdering? who would believe it?
for as for that furious and savage man, of whom it is said that he was
gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the cause assigned; “lest” (saith he)
“through idleness hand or heart should grow inactive.” And to what end?
that, through that practice of guilt, he might, having taken the city,
attain to honours, empire, riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and
his embarrassments from domestic needs, and consciousness of villainies. So
then, not even Catiline himself loved his own villainies, but something
else, for whose sake he did them.
Chapter VI
What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed of
darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not, because
thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to thee? Fair
were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou fairest of
all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good and my true
good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched soul desire; for I
had store of better, and those I gathered, only that I might steal. For,
when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast therein being my own sin,
which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught of those pears came within my
mouth, what sweetened it was the sin. And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what
in that theft delighted me; and behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not
such loveliness as in justice and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and
memory, and senses, and animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are
glorious and beautiful in their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of
embryo-life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that
false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving vices.
For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God exalted
over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory? whereas Thou alone
art to be honoured above all, and glorious for evermore. The cruelty of the
great would fain be feared; but who is to be feared but God alone, out of
whose power what can be wrested or withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or
by whom? The tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is
nothing more tender than Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully
than that Thy truth, bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes
semblance of a desire of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea,
ignorance and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and
uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and what
less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the sinner? Yea,
sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides the Lord? Luxury
affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art the fulness and
never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures. Prodigality presents
a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most overflowing Giver of all good.
Covetousness would possess many things; and Thou possessest all things. Envy
disputes for excellency: what more excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge:
who revenges more justly than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and
sudden, which endangers things beloved, and takes forethought for their
safety; but to Thee what unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee
what Thou lovest? Or where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines
away for things lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have
nothing taken from it, as nothing can from Thee.
Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking
without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns to
Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee, and lift
themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee, they imply Thee
to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no place whither altogether
to retire from Thee. What then did I love in that theft? and wherein did I
even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my Lord? Did I wish even by stealth
to do contrary to Thy law, because by power I could not, so that being a
prisoner, I might mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things
unpermitted me, a darkened likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant,
fleeing from his Lord, and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness
of life, and depth of death! could I like what I might not, only because I
might not?
Chapter VII
What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these
things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord, and
thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me these
so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and to Thy
mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy grace I
ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might I not have
done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I confess to have been
forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own wilfulness, and what by
Thy guidance I committed not. What man is he, who, weighing his own
infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength;
that so he should love Thee the less, as if he had less needed Thy mercy,
whereby Thou remittest sins to those that turn to Thee? For whosoever,
called by Thee, followed Thy voice, and avoided those things which he reads
me recalling and confessing of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick,
was cured by that Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or
rather was less, sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more;
since by whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption
of sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of sin
preserved.
Chapter VIII
What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the remembrance
whereof I am now ashamed? Especially, in that theft which I loved for the
theft's sake; and it too was nothing, and therefore the more miserable I,
who loved it. Yet alone I had not done it: such was I then, I remember,
alone I had never done it. I loved then in it also the company of the
accomplices, with whom I did it? I did not then love nothing else but the
theft, yea rather I did love nothing else; for that circumstance of the
company was also nothing. What is, in truth? who can teach me, save He that
enlighteneth my heart, and discovereth its dark corners? What is it which
hath come into my mind to enquire, and discuss, and consider? For had I then
loved the pears I stole, and wished to enjoy them, I might have done it
alone, had the bare commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure;
nor needed I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of
accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pears, it was in the
offence itself, which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned.
Chapter IX
What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul: and woe was me,
who had it. But yet what was it? Who can understand his errors? It was the
sport, which as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled those who
little thought what we were doing, and much disliked it. Why then was my
delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none doth ordinarily
laugh alone? ordinarily no one; yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and
singly when on one whatever is with them, if anything very ludicrous
presents itself to their senses or mind. Yet I had not done this alone;
alone I had never done it. Behold my God, before Thee, the vivid remembrance
of my soul; alone, I had never committed that theft wherein what I stole
pleased me not, but that I stole; nor had it alone liked me to do it, nor
had I done it. O friendship too unfriendly! thou incomprehensible inveigler
of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness,
thou thirst of others’ loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge: but
when it is said, “Let's go, let's do it,” we are ashamed not to be
shameless.
Chapter X
Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness? Foul is it: I
hate to think on it, to look on it. But Thee I long for, O Righteousness and
Innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a satisfaction
unsating. With Thee is rest entire, and life imperturbable. Whoso enters
into Thee, enters into the joy of his Lord: and shall not fear, and shall do
excellently in the All-Excellent. I sank away from Thee, and I wandered, O
my God, too much astray from Thee my stay, in these days of my youth, and I
became to myself a barren land.
